Plymothian

At Lake Geneva Youth Camp on Tuesday I delivered a talk to high school students about making the transition to college.  We touched on anxiety and I said, “That is a whole presentation in itself.”  Not wanting to leave the students without any help I stayed afterwards and for the students who stayed I delivered a impromptu presentation.  The outline of what I shared is listed below.

• Stay Connected

Feeling isolated and alone doesn’t help with the processing of other negative emotions.  Feeling alone is a common symptom of being triggered.  When we feel like the world is against us, we have to let our friends remain our friends, our spouse be our spouse, our parents be our parents and our God be our God.  Acting on feelings of isolation only takes us deeper into darkness – letting others hold our hand and walk with us through difficult times is a great sign of strength, not weakness.

• Be Reasonable

The role of reason when dealing with our irrational fears and anxieties is well documented.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is predicated on the relief that comes with understanding.  It is very hard, though, to be rational when we have flipped our lid.  Quite literally much of our brain may have temporarily gone off-line.  Even in these times of irrational meltdown, there will be some bedrock truths we still accept.  Remembering those truths will give us a foundation on which to build.

• Acknowledge Feelings – Name Them

Stuffing feelings or denying them only makes them more intense.  Spontaneous release sometimes comes simply through the action of naming or acknowledging a feeling.  It is as if the feeling has done its work in getting our attention. Now it has raised the alarm it can leave.  A helpful step in acknowledging feelings is to name the part of your body t carrying the negative emotion.  Stress is often carried in the shoulders, fear tightens the chest sometimes, guilt or sadness turns the stomach into a concrete mixer.  Don’t be surprised, though, if you find you are carrying your feelings in some unusual places like the throat, parts of the head, or even the legs.

In many cultures men do not talk about their feelings as much as women.  The result is both that men are often unaware of what they are feeling and that they have no names for emotions.  Scanning the body allows a man to find his feelings and say, “My stomach is churning,” or “I feel tense across my shoulders.”  These are signs of emotional responses, a good friend can help give names to these physical symptoms like ‘sadness’ or ‘anxiety.’  Remember, we gain nothing by pretending the emotions don’t exist.  They will join with other unprocessed emotions and can possibly lead to more serious physical symptoms.

• Release the Feelings

Having understood a little about our feelings some people remain satisfied.  As one therapist said to me, though, “If you have a sliver in your finger, is the goal to understand the sliver or release the sliver?”  Negative feelings have a job to do, much like Sadness in the movie Inside Out.  They are not evil of themselves.  However, if we hang on to the negative emotions they can begin to dominate the range of emotional experience we were created for.  Anxiety and fear, if they gain the upper hand, can suppress joy and peace.

To release my feelings, I ask myself if I have felt this feeling for long enough.  I then decide to release the feeling.  I have volition.  I always have the power to make decisions.  Also, my faith tells me, God wants to take on my negative emotions, so I decide to give them to him.  After making the decision to let go, I breathe out and relax my body.  Usually the feeling I have lessens or another feeling replaces the one I am processing.

The process doesn’t always work.  Sometimes there is a blockage and I need to release the blockage first.  Sometimes there is an irrational reason that I tell myself anxiety and fear helps me or gives me control.  Also, our emotions are not singular entities, which, once released, result in immediate clarity and peace.  It is more like an old CD changer:  Once an emotion is released another emotion rises up to take its place.  It is healthy to subsequently process the next emotion … and the next.

• Be Thankful

Jim Wilhoit’s research has shown that gratitude is more effective over time than drugs and therapy combined.  It rewires the brain to see the world differently.  Keeping a gratitude journal is a habit that will lead to well-being.  In the journal list two or three things each day for which you are thankful.  The sun won’t come out from behind the rain clouds immediately, but eventually you will begin to see the silver lining.

• Retrain the Mind

A person surrounded by dark colours, negative music, sinister television, and apocalyptic movies will see the world accordingly.  It doesn’t mean that a person should focus the entirety of their day on ‘Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows,’ but there is a lot of positive still remaining in God’s world.  The noble acts of Frodo and Samwise Gamgee in Lord of the Rings helped me focus more positively.  On the way to work, I would often listen to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack and I would begin to feel quite heroic when pulling up to teach my fifth grade class.

• Seek a Mentor/Counselor 

I have learned to manage my mental health my admitting when I need help.  Initially, when my colleague at work suggested I talk to a counselor, I flatly refused.  My pride told me, “Only screw-ups” talk to people about their emotions.  I was dead wrong.  I was afraid I would be punished on my life insurance because I had a mental health diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety and Depression.  Actually I was credited with having the strength to do what needed to be done in order to stay healthy.  Because I followed the pattern of behavior listed above, I am now free from anxiety and I have a peace and a joy I never knew before.  I have to maintain my positivity by consistently processing my negative emotions emotions.  Seek out a mentor or mental health professional to coach you on the path to emotional freedom.

***

These practical steps come straight from Philippians in the Bible.  They are revealed by God and are less effectively executed without a heart-deep relationship with God.  Central to God’s plan for emotional freedom is the assurance that ‘The Lord is Near.’  The body of believers we call the church should be our support network.  The believer releases their negative feelings to God because He cares for them (1 Peter 5:7).  Then the God of Peace, who dwells in the heart of the believer, guards their hearts with the peace of Jesus.  I have experienced the peace of God replacing my fear.  I would encourage you to seek God and walk on the path he has laid out for you.  If you seek God first, all these other things will be added to your experience of him.

Note:  There is a clinical anxiety (not circumstantial).  Close work with a psychiatrist as well as a pastor would be recommended for chronic anxiety which is the result of body chemistry.

Philippians 4:2-9

I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, my true companion, help these women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are in the book of life.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Sometimes I float through life without direction.  Unhealthy habits of consumption overwhelm our ability to achieve.  We were made to achieve good goals.  Others were meant to flourish because we are in their world.  Too often we binge-watch, party, and in other ways fritter away precious opportunities.

Here are six principles to consider in order to turn life around and start achieving the goals we were put on the planet to achieve.

• Forget what is behind

The past can hold us back in two ways.  One is how we can hold on to past mistakes and believe the lie that they define us.  The other is how we hold on to past successes and glory in them.  In both cases, we need to learn from the past and leave it behind.  Mistakes are opportunities for future growth.  If we are wise, we won’t do THAT again!  Success gives a strong foundation to reach for more.  Do not let other people define you by past mistakes and persist in their low expectations.  Even confront them if they persist.  If they continue in their negative assessment, leave them behind.

• Press on toward the goal

What is your goal?  Why were you put on the planet?  Each person has a unique gift set.  Each person can cause others to prosper.  Henri Nouwen famously cared for people with disabilities in the L’Arche community.  Because of his great learning, we could expect Nouwen to have only been a blessing to those whom he served.  What he found, though, was precisely because of their need for service the disabled people in the community transformed him.  Everyone has something to contribute to the growth and development of a healthy society.

Once we have discerned our life’s calling, we set it as our goal.  Then we must keep that goal before us.  For Christians, we have reminded ourselves of the goal of glorifying God by creating places of worship, great art, and translating the Bible into our own languages.

If someone’s goal is financial freedom, physical health, or family unity they must act on that goal and not their feelings.  We may not feel inclined to get out of bed and act on our dreams and vision for life, but action is not dependent on our feelings.  We can press on through a storm of negativity, and we can press on when our emotions are positive.  The key to achieving a goal is to focus on it and press toward it.

• Follow an example

Other people have usually achieved the goals we want to achieve before us.  People have written books, become financially free, maintained their health, and created loving homes for millennia.  People have also reached maturity and achieved deeper spiritual goals.  There are many ways to be mentored by people we admire from the past and present.

It is obvious people from the past are no longer available for a cup of coffee at the local cafe.  However, great people have often written books or had biographies written about them.  In some cases we can watch documentaries or movies which show us how they lived.  A great example for my family, this last year, was reading a biography about George Mueller and the orphan work he did in Bristol.

To move a little closer to home, there may be someone in our community we admire or who has skills we need to master.  Rather than ask them to become a mentor for life, it is good to ask them whether they want to have coffee or go for a walk with us as a one-off.  If there is a connection during the first meeting, suggest a second time.  Assuming the connection continues, ask them if they would mind committing to a limited time of mentoring.  This can be a fixed time of say 3 weeks, or it can be until a particular skill is mastered.

• Join with others

Groups provide motivation and support.  A group with a common goal goes beyond a mere community which might happen to be in the same space, but it becomes what Alan Hirsch calls Communitas.  Communitas is a community with a shared goal.  We see the success of groups like Weightwatchers or sports clubs.  The members of the group spur each other on.  A local church should be an encouragement toward spiritual growth and maturity.  Who has contributed to our growth?  How do we assist in the growth of others?

• Establish patterns

Establishing patterns often trumps consciously thinking about what we do.  There are many patterns already controlling our lives.  My father came home from school at about four o’clock each day, he went straight to the fridge and got himself something to eat and then settled in front of the television.  At about four-thirty or five, my mother would serve him dinner on a tray.  At about ten he would turn the television off and go to bed.  He didn’t think about this routine, but it shaped him.  After he retired he developed different patterns, which were more healthy.  He incorporated walks and bicycle rides.

We must identify our patterns and evaluate them.  What do they lead to?  The patterns of our life are like little liturgies which show us what we worship.  Where does our time, money, and energy actually go?

If we identify unhealthy patterns we need to break the habits.  Breaking habits is not easy, but it can be done.  We need to put a new response to an old stimulus.  To see how that is done we can talk to former smokers, members of AA, or Christians who have turned their lives around.

• Stand firm

Once we have made the changes we need to make it is important to stand firm.  Old friends might pull us into old habits.  We might need to avoid the bar, the television, or a certain neighborhood for a while.  However, a pattern of standing firm will encourage more ground to be taken.  If we stand by our principles on one count, people will respect that our will power is for real.  We will ultimately have an air of dignity and strength about us where people will be influenced by our new behaviors rather than being able to drag us backwards.  The achievement of our little goals will lead to the higher goal of becoming an influence for the good of others.

***

The principles above are drawn from Philippians 3:12-4:1.  In this passage Paul applies the principles to the highest goal of knowing Jesus and serving him.

Philippians 3:12-4:1

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do. For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

Therefore, my brothers and sisters, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm in the Lord in this way, dear friends!

Some people have established strategies for personal growth.  This is particularly true of spiritual growth.  They might go to the temple each morning.  They might say the same incantation or prayer at the same time each day, with the idea that completing the task has value in itself. Today I am thinking about two key areas people prioritize which hold them back spiritually and one area of focus which moves them forward.

• Watch out for rule following.

Our education system conditions us to set goals and fulfill them.  We are designated A’s, B’s and C’s based on our performance.  Perform well and we are promoted to the top of the stack.  Perform badly and we are threatened with a future of sweeping streets.  The guilt and the shame of failure is to be avoided and the success of completion is to be savored.  This translates to parenting that frowns with disappointment at C’s on the report card, regardless of the effort made by the child.

Take this into adult life and the results are disastrous.  Perfectionism is passed on from generation to generation and does its destructive work.  ‘Perfect’ is sometimes the only level that satisfies us, but even then the reward is just a lack of shame rather than  a flood of pleasure.  We grade and rate friends and family and put them into a hierarchy based on our own grading scales.  One adult son or daughter visits more often than the other, so they become the ‘better’ child.  Our husband cuts the lawn a little more sloppily than we would.  The resulting posture is contempt for the world, and even contempt for self.

Adherence to rules, usually our own rather than those of the government or a religion, qualifies a person for acceptance or rejection.  Usefulness is measured by tasks a person completes.  Value to society is quantified in production capacity or consumption.  The disabled and aged are worth less because they produce less.  People are exhausted by entering the workforce early and leaving it late.  They want to prove themselves useful, or at least maintain a standard of living that is acceptable in the public consciousness.

• Watch out for self-improvement.

Self-help books get people noticed.  They focus on actions people can do to improve quality of life.  Some of them help you improve your diet and physique.  Others look into the soul and help you meditate your way to 10% more happiness.  There is nothing wrong with the attention given to improving yourself, there is everything wrong with the narcissism that is often its result.

In the infant years we focus on self to get our needs met.  We see our parents as appendages who should feed and clothe us.  If we don’t get what we want, we throw a hissy fit.  That is appropriate for an infant with high needs for constant care.  Our narcissism morphs as we mature.  The constant attention of our parents and of teachers reinforces the idea the world is watching us.  Teens often struggle with embarrassment because of a perceived audience.  The truth is that people pay too little attention to each other, the teenage perception is that they are the lead character in a serialised dramatization not unlike The Truman Show.

Our self-improvement culture and our service oriented culture prolongs the myth that I am the center of the world.  Tag lines like ‘You deserve it’ or ‘You owe it to yourself’ comfort us with the illusion that someone cares rather than wants to make a profit out of us.  Our illusion that we need to create a perfect version of ourselves to wow a viewing public needs to fade.  Its replacement is a self-improvement which develops gifts and talents for the sake of others.  An inordinate focus on self becomes like a vortex or a tractor-beam leading to depression or vanity.  Giving self away for the good of the community frees a person from themselves and leads to release and joy.

• Know Jesus

The truth is there are higher goals than self.  An inward looking perspective becomes a false one.  An outward looking perspective is more humbling.  We see this in a movie like The Tree of Life where one shot zooms out from the individual character who is in anguish.  They are in a garden, the garden is next to a house, the house is in the street of identical houses, the street is in a city, the city is in a country, the country is on a continent, the continent is on a planet, the planet is in the solar system, the solar system is in the galaxy, the galaxy is in the universe.  As the perspective broadens the platform for self-importance shrinks.  The Nihilist takes heart from their insignificance and embraces meaningless activities.  The Existentialist realises their self-focus is absurd in the light of an expansive universe and the inevitability of death, so they make a plan to do the most with what little they have.  The Christian sees a personal force originating and sustaining the universe.  The Christian does not see the universe as the ultimate stage in telescoping out from our own existence.  The cosmic Christ who is both a person and infinite God is through all and is in all.  According to the Bible, Jesus is beyond all of our imagination but he is also deeply personal.  He connects all the layers of existence and gives significance to our mortal lives.  Because of his transcendence he becomes worthy of focus and worship.  In making him that focus our world becomes ordered and meaningful.

***

These thoughts are gleaned from the Bible, in particular Philippians 3:1-11.  The apostle Paul argues against valuing religious ritual purity or personal performance.  He gives an account of his own religious and personal performance, arguing that if anyone could be secure in their own achievements he could.  However, having experienced the risen Lord Jesus the only focus of any value to him is a focus on Christ.

Further, my brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord! It is no trouble for me to write the same things to you again, and it is a safeguard for you. Watch out for those dogs, those evildoers, those mutilators of the flesh. For it is we who are the circumcision, we who serve God by his Spirit, who boast in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh— though I myself have reasons for such confidence.

If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal,persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.  I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

As I have been reading, four qualities of friendship came up.  There are many qualities faithful, life-long friends have.  Not all enduring friendships are the same.  Here are four qualities which are important for me.

• Shows Genuine Concern

Two friends dance on the spot and squeal, “It is so good to see you!”  They trade phone numbers and ask, with eyes locked, about each other’s families.  However, no subsequent phone calls and no subsequent meetings follow.  It becomes easy to spot this meaningless ritual at parties, churches, and even on the street in a crowded city.  This is something overblown and insincere and I am sad when I see it.

I want something more in a friend.  I want someone who, regardless of creed or color will be there when the going gets tough.  I have a few friends who know I am a Christian, who know I think like an Englishman and who know I have annoying quirks, but they see past that and keep showing up.  One friend is Neil Smith, best man at my wedding.  Another is Ken Gates, a relatively recent friend in America.  I think if I was sick, Neil would travel across the world to try and do something.  Ken gives me his full attention when we talk.  He is an uncommonly good listener and he shows that he has paid attention by asking good questions.

• Serves Others

My friend, Jonathan Panek, once called me to say he had seen my car door left open at night.  I think he even closed it.  A small gesture like this meant a lot.  It showed he cared enough to serve me in the little things.

Recently Kelli and I spoke at a family camp called Unplugged.  I told an African American family there that I had no idea how to care for my black son’s chalky skin.  They told me to use Eucerin.  At the end of the week they bought us some Eucerin.  I am thankful to them, but more than that, my heart reaches out to them.  I want to see them again.  I want to serve them in return.

• Takes Risks

Becoming friends is like making bids in a poker game.  Each person puts a little more into the friendship.  The pinnacle is when both friends decide to be ‘all in.’  This rarely happens simultaneously.  One friend will go out on a limb and reveal their heart.  The love and commitment they have might not be returned.  However, a sure way to make sure a relationship languishes in the shallows is to risk nothing.

Some relationships require physical risks.  Caring for someone who is sick might result in contracting the sickness oneself.  Traveling a great distance to be at a wedding or a graduation might require finances and time.  Friends don’t always return the kindness they receive.  It is good to remember, though, we do well to love unconditionally.  A good thing is a good thing to do whether there is ever any reciprocation.

• Promotes Jesus

Because of my faith, Jesus is at the center of many of my friendships.  God is the foundation and the goal of my existence.  Strong friendships share some sort of common goal.  Aristotle promoted the common pursuit of the good.  Two businessmen might connect well over a mutual business concept.  I believe the highest calling is to friendships of common faith.  I enjoy watching friends like Ryan Jenkins flourish in their faith and make it central to their life.

***

Paul saw the qualities listed above in his friends Timothy and Epaphroditus.  You can read about them below:

Philippians 2:19-30

19 I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, that I also may be cheered when I receive news about you. ²⁰ I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare. ²¹ For everyone looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ. ²² But you know that Timothy has proved himself, because as a son with his father he has served with me in the work of the gospel. ²³ I hope, therefore, to send him as soon as I see how things go with me.²⁴ And I am confident in the Lord that I myself will come soon.

²⁵ But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, co-worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs. ²⁶ For he longs for all of you and is distressed because you heard he was ill. ²⁷ Indeed he was ill, and almost died. But God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow. ²⁸ Therefore I am all the more eager to send him, so that when you see him again you may be glad and I may have less anxiety. ²⁹ So then, welcome him in the Lord with great joy, and honor people like him, ³⁰ because he almost died for the work of Christ. He risked his life to make up for the help you yourselves could not give me.

If there is a God, what kind of God could that be?  Whether we believe in God or not, we share a common idea of what being could earn the name ‘God.’  Anselm defined God as ‘that than which a greater can not be conceived.’  In other words, God must always be the greatest, most impressive thing in existence.  We all have a god of sorts.  Our god is the concept or thing large enough to capture our mind, direct our plans, and absorb our resources.  Popular modern gods are romance, money, sex, career, prestige, and image.  the way these gods rule us sometimes leaves us frustrated.  We can’t get past these things in order to live for something bigger – they fill our vision.  However, we are dissatisfied with our little gods and many of us ask, “Is there something more?”

The God of the Bible explodes all our limitations.  The God of the Bible is allegedly infinite, all powerful, all loving, the definition of goodness, and has authority over all of creation.  The Bible claims that all of creation points beyond itself toward this God.  The mountains we see, the people we know, the oceans we sail, all point to a God who is beyond our grasp.  The only correct response to the transcendent God is worship and glory.

If we have been saved by God, the correct response is a reverent fear of the one who saved us.  Our minds and our actions need to be aligned with His will.  This takes time.  It takes humility to deconstruct the myth that we are gods.  It takes effort to put aside all the other modern gods which suck our time and our pocket book dry.  However, God grabs a hold of us and changes us.  He changes us in ways that confirm His status as God, and He moves us from our short-sighted goals to His own good purposes.  He has plans to flourish us and the world in which we live.

So, there is no room for complaint before such an almighty God.  Our own schemes and agendas are trivial.  There is no point arguing for our own plans, the reason we are alive is to execute God’s plans.  In a world which increasingly marginalizes and ignores God, people who speak of God in public, and apply biblical thinking to every area of life, are going to stand out.  Godlessness qualifies as neutrality in the twenty-first century.  However, if we dare to stand for what we believe and replace our petty gods with God, I believe we will have reason to rejoice at what God will do.

Paul believed these things of his own generation.  He believed Israel had failed to live out its calling in bringing the glory and worship of God to the nations.  He believed that the humble example of Jesus provided a pattern for a new way to turn the world right side up.  People consumed with God should bring light to the world.

In Philippians 2:12-18, Paul writes:

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

We all have conflicts.  We find it hard to endure differences of opinion in our marriages.  We encounter obstructions to our advancement in our workplace.  We can even feel offended by people who worship differently at the same place of faith.  There are various solutions people try.  Some of us fight for power and control by shaming our opponents.  Others of us withdraw from the battleground to a bunker-like man-cave.  Still more of us stare wordlessly at the situation and hope the situation will blow over.  These usual fight, flight, or freeze responses become patterns over time.  We get stuck in a rut of playing a familiar role.  We don’t like our adversaries and we don’t really like ourselves.  Here are five steps to resolving conflict well that are not commonly followed well:

1. Lay aside personal privilege. We have access to resources because of where we are born, the colour of our skin, our sex, or our family ties.  This is controversial because we call these advantages ‘privilege.’  People in conflict rarely admit they have privilege and even more rarely agree to give it up.  If the goal in conflict is to dominate the opponent, to crush them, and to win personal power and prestige giving up an advantage is suicide.  However, no-one really wins when another human being is crushed and overpowered.  We all win when each person relinquishes the illusion of superiority and explores the possibility that all human beings are equally valuable.
2. Take on a low position.  If a person criticizes you, if at all possible, see how it might be true.  Are we secure enough without having to be right?  If we start with an acknowledgement that our own flaws are at play – or our own inadequacies are triggered – other people start to feel comfortable powering down around us.  When everyone lays down their weapons and ceases pretending they are king or queen, peace has room to break out.
3. Seek acts of service.  Does your opponent need a meal?  Do they need a ride?  Are they looking for someone to cut the lawn when they are on vacation?  Acts of service prove you are not an adversary out to destroy another human being.  In actively caring for, or even loving, another person, the walls start to come down.  Also, the focus ceases to be on the issue of contention.  An act of service brings the bigger picture back into play.
4. Embrace vicarious suffering. Suffering is often avoided at all costs.  A conflict can be an act of self preservation:  We fight someone else in order to avoid the pain or the confusion on the horizon.  Not all suffering works for good.  However, entering into some pain or uncertainty can form a bridge.  Giving up an evening of entertainment, for example, in order to have a conversation might be frustrating but it can lead to deeper healing.  Walking alongside an individual in his or her pain is rarely easy but it is often worthwhile.
5. Allow God to lift you up.  God is good and just.  He sees all.  He understands your cause and will do right in the long run.  We may not even see the results we hope for in this life.  However, our life is not about building our own platform or glory, it is about God’s glory.  God will ultimately be glorified.  For the Christian who worships God, this knowledge brings peace.

All these steps are drawn from the example of Jesus used by Paul to resolve the conflict in Philippi.  Paul tells them:

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Circumstances have watered down the distinct nature of gospel living.  One circumstance is the pervasive adoption of many Judeo-Christian values in The West.  In Europe, Christian thinkers, with Christian morality, shaped what the majority thought of as moral or normal.  This formed a foundation for Renaissance and Enlightenment thinking.  The Ten Commandments still sit on many American courtroom walls as a nod to the fact that they underpin the American legal system.  The presidents of America still pray and reference God and scripture in their talks to pacify the majority.  Upholding American morality, in many regards, is still a case of upholding Christian morality.  Christians don’t stand out because of their insistence on fair play, charity to widows and orphans, or their belief that all people are equal.  Of course, their reasons for upholding these beliefs should be different, but in practice atheists, Muslims, and Christians live out a similar morality.  There are a few contentious areas where Christians stand out, but they are still few.

Where Christians should be distinct, they often fit in.  They are not a unified subgroup in society but a group more unified with the values and demands of twenty-first century materialism.  We fit in with the patterns of production and consumption, we thank God for all our creature comforts, we attend church less often than we attend children’s sporting events, we put to one side language which references Jesus as distinct from other gods.  In short, we are not people who live out the gospel.  We do not sacrifice or suffer for the sake of others.  We do not preserve unity by giving up our own interests.  We attend churches with programs and messages which affirm our privileged status and confirm our outlook.  We suffer to help our children achieve academic and economic success, but not so that they serve Jesus as their highest priority.

Paul says that the gospel of Christ should define our actions.  I have actually been in churches where actions are separated from the gospel.  The fear of a faith where actions get you saved has led to a faith with few distinct actions at all.  Paul does not know of a salvation without works.  He is opposed to a faith where our actions save us, but he is also opposed to a faith which makes no difference to how we live.  A Christian should first and foremost have a life which worships God.  This means that God is the first thought.  To achieve this a Christian will study God’s Word, the Bible;  They will pray to God for His glory and His will to be done in their own lives and in the world;  They will meet with other people who share their wholehearted devotion to God; They will talk about the God they worship as a natural outworking of their love in public.  This God-saturated living is not evident enough in people who call themselves Christian.  People conduct themselves in a manner worthy of acceptance – they are nice.  However, people do not conduct themselves in a manner worthy of the gospel.  When God’s people sacrifice God’s agenda for agendas of personal wealth and advancement a disunity breaks out.  This, in my opinion, is the process by which churches split and disenchanted people cease to attend.

If we strove together for the faith of the gospel, our unity and our distinct nature as the people of God, might cause others to sit up and take notice.

Philippians 1:27-2:4

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

In The Invention of Lying, Ricky Gervais openly mocks Christians’ views on the afterlife.  While Gervais’ character’s mother is dying, he comforts her by making up a story about a better place – a heaven of sorts.  This experiment snowballs and soon Ricky Gervais’ character is making up a whole religion – which sounds a lot like Christianity.  He shows how easy it is to make up stories, promote them as true and create a new religion.

What motivates us to make up stories of an afterlife and a benevolent God who welcomes us into heaven?  Fear it would seem – In particular a fear of the unknown.  Gervais paints himself as an authentic atheist with the courage to admit that ideas about life after death are garbage.  Ideas of heaven should be dismissed as misleading and dangerous.  People who could make a difference to the world are lulled to sleep by the promise of an afterlife.

Contrast Ricky Gervais with the Apostle Paul in Philippians.  In Philippians the apostle is also presented as fearless.  He believes he is united with Jesus, which gives Paul purpose in this life and something better in the next life.  In pithy language he says, “To live is Christ and to die is gain.”  He claims he has a mission and a purpose on earth which will improve the conditions of the Philippians.  His life is meaningful and significant.  Although he can imagine joy in serving his fellow man, he is convinced he will encounter greater joy when he departs this life and is united with Jesus.  Given the life and the sacrifice of the early church, we see they too were unafraid of death.  They believed with great confidence their martyrdom was not the end.  How could this be so?  Were they just primitive?  Are we just more enlightened by our empirical research?  Through observation we have concluded death is final and no-one lives a life on the other side of it.  However, these early Christians were set ablaze because many of them had encountered Jesus after he had returned from the grave.  Many others of them met witnesses whose testimony to resurrection convinced them.

I struggle with the idea of my own mortality.  I am presently at 8,000 ft above sea level in Estes Park, Colorado.  I find it more difficult to breathe here and my lack of physical stamina on mountain trails reminds me I am no longer 21.  Life is running out for me.  How can I deal with the fear of my inevitable death?  Is Ricky Gervais correct about my desire to believe a made-up story from 2000 years ago?  Or is it possible that the story that changed the world was true:  Jesus did rise from the dead and promise his followers eternal life.  Paul’s passion and conviction are testimony to his utter confidence.  Can we say with him, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain?”

Philippians 1:18-26

But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.  For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!  I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;  but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.  Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,  so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

People in their forties and fifties tend to evaluate life.  There are often big career changes.  Some people switch from a high earning job without fulfillment to a lower earning job with a sense of purpose.  So how do we evaluate personal success?  It is evaluated by what our lives are about.  If our life’s goal is to invest in our family, but our daily routine takes us away from them, our life is not successful.  If our goal is to amass a fortune and we live in poverty, our life is not a success.  In these instances our life is not a success by our own standards, but how do we know we are living by worthy standards? The psychopath who values chaos and disorder might consider a killing spree or a series of bank robberies as a personal success.  Most of us, however, would want some way of preventing such destructive behavior.

The apostle Paul valued the gospel of God very highly.  By ‘gospel’ he meant the good news of what Jesus accomplished through death and life.  The God-centered, virtuous life was out of reach for most of us.  Sin and evil pushes societies and individuals into patterns and habits that enslave and destroy.  We know the good we should be doing but lack the power to do it.  We fall short of true success but we settle for a new, mediocre standard.  God calls us to a life of significance and in Jesus he equips us to do it.  God calls us to a life of worship and he reveals himself as worthy of becoming our life goal.

In the passage below Paul evaluates his suffering and the way others are using his misfortune.  He considers both his imprisonment and the spiteful actions of others to be success because they advance the gospel.  How would you evaluate similar circumstances?

Philippians 1:12-18

Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear.

It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.

Love should be our focus …

We often hear that love should be our focus.  Many of us have been loved poorly, but even those who have been loved well find love hard to define. Both The Beatles and God are in agreement that ‘Love is all you need.’  The difference is being able to define what love is.  For John Lennon love was related to sexual freedom.  It has been connected by artists over the last twenty years with strong emotions and sexual impulse.  However, there is something about that kind of love which lacks nobility and sustainability.  Paul, in his letter to the Philippians, states that his prayer for them is that their love would grow in knowledge and depth of insight.

What the Bible presents as the goal here is to worship something or someone worthy of worship.  Loving someone means being oriented or focused on them for their good.  To live the best life, we need to be focused on the best.  If God exists, God is the highest person.  If the Bible is true, it requires that our heart, soul and mind be focused on God.  This positive focus on God, lived out for him our daily lives, is the love to which God calls us.  Studies show that people who live for a focus outside of themselves are more fulfilled and happy.  However, our focus on personal fulfillment and happiness, in my opinion, has left us less content.

The Christian way is one of losing oneself in another.  There is no fear in love, because the one the Christian focuses on is perfect.  As they grow in their love and worship of God, the goodness of God flows out from them to others.  In this way a Christian can sacrifice their own will for the common good, for unity, and to bless others.  Many Christians do not have this kind of selfless love.  They have a love of self where God has to fall in line with their own limited agenda.  Surrender to God is the only real guarantee that he who began a good work in a Christian will bring it to completion.

Philippians 1:1-11

Paul and Timothy, servants of Christ Jesus, To all God’s holy people in Christ Jesus at Philippi, together with the overseers and deacons: Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy  because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heartand, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me.  God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, ¹¹ filled with the fruit of righteousnessthat comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.